Perinatal Grief & Loss

Perinatal grief and loss involves the loss of a child at any point during the reproductive

process. This includes individuals who may experience fertility challenges, miscarriage,

stillbirth, neonatal loss, and termination for medical reasons.

Perinatal grief and loss is a form of disenfranchised grief* or grief that is not acknowledged

as “legitimate by society”. The loss is often viewed as too small or the relationship is not

considered “justifiable” to grieve. Disenfranchised grief may also include expectations of

how people are supposed to grieve their loss which can include certain behaviors they

should or should not engage in.

Here are some common feelings individuals experience after pregnancy loss:

1) A sense of heaviness and devastation

2) Shifting emotions including guilt, shame, anger, sadness

3) Feeling as though they caused the loss to occur and/or did not do enough to

prevent the loss

4) Feeling like a failure especially if you are the birthing person/parent

5) Feelings of envy or jealousy towards others who may be pregnant or parents who

had successful live births

6) Feeling “crazy” for wanting to memorialize or hold traditional ceremonial rites after

the loss.

7) Questioning of their belief system and/or existence

The overall goal following perinatal loss and grief is working towards integrated grief, the

ability to have thoughts and memories of the lost child without feeling overwhelmed and

continuing to move forward with life. Integrated grief never minimalizes the loss, but

rather helps you integrate it within your life while having a renewed sense of purpose.

Here are some common coping strategies you can try to work toward integrated grief over

time.

1) Acknowledge and memorialize your loss. Depending on the type of loss, some

individuals keep an item that would help you memorialize the loss including (but

not limited to): a weighted bear with the baby’s name, clothing items that the baby

wore or you were planning to dress the baby in, a footprint, a picture or ultrasound

photograph.

2) Mark the anniversary of the loss and birthday. Although they may no longer

physically be with you, they are with you in spirit. It’s completely normal to think

about and remember their birthday as well as the day they passed. It is even normal

for individuals to have small gatherings to remember the baby lost. Some

individuals may also adopt a cause or send a gift in their baby’s name to newborns

on important dates.

3) Mentioning your child to others. Moving forward, many families choose to include

their loss when talking about their families. This can be done numerous ways

(examples below).

a. “I have (insert number of children) physically present with me and (insert

number of children) who (are no longer with me/ have passed/are resting/in

heaven or afterlife/my angels)”.

b. “I have (state children’s names) who are living and (state the child’s name)

who (are no longer with me/ have passed/are resting/in heaven or

afterlife/my angels).

*The term disenfranchised grief was created by Ken Doka.